Since I had the ability to remember, I knew I wanted a boyfriend. I knew that I wanted to do life with someone that I was in love with, and someone that was in love with me. As I grew up, it became an obsession. I could blame it on my Dad for not being a great dad and I could blame it on my sexual assault, but those things just made the problem worse.
Once I hit puberty, my search for love and affection went into overdrive. It constantly caused me to be depressed. I would search for something instant, knowing that it wouldn’t work, then I would be rejected. I didn’t handle the rejection well. I would go down this spiral of despair and tell myself that I wasn’t worth loving. Then my first long term boyfriend came along. It was thrilling but shortly after I knew that we were using each other for validation. To prove to ourselves that we could be loved and that we could love someone else. We used each other to feel better about ourselves because our lives sucked. You can imagine how that relationship unfolded.
You don’t actually have to imagine because I’m going to tell you. He was never good enough and there was always some standard that I wanted him to live up to. Most of the standards were reasonable, for an adult male that was mature. He was younger then me and I was expecting him to be the man that he was still learning how to be. Once sex was introduced, we were doomed to fail. We never had sex but we did other sexual things to each other. We wanted to make each other happy because we knew deep down that that was the only way we could keep each other happy. Once you get a taste of something, you want more of it and then you have to go further. For two teenagers wildly enduring hormones, it was hard for us to stop. I remember one time when he went too far and I told him to stop twice. Since I had PTSD from my molestation, I had a panic attack when he wouldn’t get off of me and screamed. He jumped off of me and he was terrified. I didn’t know what to say. I also remember the day my mom walked in on us. We both agreed that we would stop fooling around. That lasted maybe a month, then I started it back up again. I had shame and guilt even before we were caught. I started it back up because I was afraid of loosing him.
We looked great on the outside. Everyone thought that we were cute, some tried to break us up. On the inside, however; our relationship was us hurting each other, saying sorry, and then doing something else that hurt the other person. I have abused him, he has abused me. Emotionally, Physically. I have slapped him and he has forced himself on top of me. We were good at faking our communication. He was great at not paying for anything, and I was great at nagging. We should have never been together but at the same time if I never dated him, I wouldn’t know what not to do now. I’m not saying that we didn’t have our good times but they are hard to remember over the explosion of a break up that we had.
Nearing the start of my senior year, I started truly having faith in God. As that started happening, I was also starting to feel convicted of the choices I made and the relationship I chose to be in. I knew that I needed to break things off with him but I felt like I needed him. I was terrified of being alone and after all he was my best friend. So I waited to see if he would find God with me, and he didn’t. I was being pulled in by desire and lust. I needed to break up with him and I knew that if I did it in person, he would have changed my mind. So I called him, I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore. That the relationship wasn’t good for either of us. That God wanted me to move on and heal things that were there even before he came along. I couldn’t rely on him to make me feel whole anymore. He cried, I cried. We parted ways. Then I started freaking out at the realization that I had no one. So I text him and ask him to take me back. Not because I loved him, because I need him as my crutch. He then begins to tell me that I was a horrible girlfriend. He continued to tell me nasty things that he thought and his friends thought about me. I hear that, given the opportunity, he will tell others about how terrible I am and also about the things that we had done sexually together. Sometimes exaggerated.
I have grown to ignore what others tell me about what he says. I know I am not whatever person I was in 2014. I will continue to grow and look to my future. I now can be alone with out the despair and the thirst that comes with single life. I don’t have to date the first, second, or third person who asks me out. I am sustained in my faith of the Lord instead of failing to fill myself with the love of a man. There is nothing that he or anyone else can do to change that. I am proud that I am being prepared for my next relationship. Even if my ex keeps intruding into my families life and my life, I know that I don’t have to let that destroy me. My past doesn’t have a hold on me anymore. I have a long journey ahead but I have a choice whether or not I will let my past will effect it or not.
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
~2 Corinthians 5:17~
P.S.~ I want to thank my ex, if he is reading this, for helping one of my relatives move. We aren’t talking for a reason and you still helped out my family. Thank you for stepping up like that and putting whatever feelings you have for me aside to help out. I was not able to help due to my many illnesses, so thank you.
I don’t feel joy when my fear controls me. I also am conscience and aware when I am afraid and of what I am afraid of. I am also aware that there is a difference between fear and anxiety. Right now I am anxious. So much so that I’m shivering and my stomach is clenching. It’s because I finally told the truth to my best friend about how I truly feel about her boyfriend (lets call him B). See I have known her and B since high school. Which means we have history. Their story mostly consists of falling in love, being insecure, and the drama that separates them. With B and I, well, that’s much more complex. I was the subject that separated them. I was the drama, according to him. Of course I’m not perfect, I probably was acting like a typical teen. But what my family and I remember, was beyond teenage naivety.
It was Junior year and it’s lunch time. We are all crowded around this little corner of a table talking and eating. Then the jokes start, “What’s the difference between a pizza and a Jew? Pizzas don’t scream in the oven.” The jokes ranged from racist to murderous. I couldn’t hear anymore so I asked B and his friend to stop. Why? I am Jewish by blood and was raised in my roots. History is a huge part of why we take pride in our bloodlines. That and it’s just wrong. So after asking them to stop, they were so confused on why it was such a big deal. Yet, we still moved on but grudges were held.
One day in physics, B and I are messaging on our school IPads like amazing students. I know that my Bestie is feeling insecure in her relationship with him and is scared he is going to dump her. So I, stupidly, ask him if something was going on. He tells me all these important things and then tells me that he’s not going to tell my best friend. Then swears me to secrecy. I think about it for the rest of my day and decided to show her our messages anyway. She reads them and went straight to him to talk about it. Cats out of the bag! So after that B was livid with me. That’s where things got bad.
B was a very vengeful person. If you hurt him, he would get at you 10x harder. So he used his German heritage to bully me into being afraid of him. The jokes continued and got much ruder. Then he threatened me over the phone, which ended with his parents telling my mom that I was being over dramatic and they were sick of me. He would do the hail Hilter salute and march around when he would see me and one day he wore a Nazi uniform and did it. I don’t remember how I reacted to these things, but I do remember how it ended. B made my friend choose, be a girlfriend to him or be a friend to me. She refused to give him an answer so he made it for her. That’s how me and her are still friends today.
Speaking of today, she started dating him again and it has been a month or two. Why is she back with the guy that bullied her best friend you ask? Because she wants to be is the truthful answer. After he kissed her she came to me and asked me if I was okay with them dating. I didn’t think that I really had a say in who she wanted to date. But, I told her my opinion of him and she didn’t take it well. With anger in her voice she says that he was different and that I should give him a second chance. I realize that she didn’t just want my approval she wanted me to be friends with him again. So I gave the second chance for my best friend, as long as he apologizes. I see him for the first time since graduating and I turn back into that terrified 17 year old girl. Not only that, I also take “We both did things in high school. It’s over now and in the past.” as an apology and let my best friend leave me alone with him and his friend during the whole time.
So time goes on and I start spending time with her and the boys. Which proves to be a mistake. I try to explain to them that I am disabled and in response was told that I am not disabled I am just a hypochondriac. Which brought up old wounds for me and even after trying to explain, I still ended up in my bed balling my eyes out. I was back in high school where the two boys said what they wanted, how they wanted and they were the ones that were in the right. They aren’t open to other ideals or beliefs. And now her boyfriend and his friend believe that if Hitler wasn’t stopped, it would have been great for technology. He believes that if he died and someone took his place, it would have been better. The dying would have stopped and technology would be great. He would have been okay waiting 20 more years for that to happen. 20 years of Hitler. and it’s a big If on the probability of that actually happening. People who condone genocide terrify me.
None of these things are hidden from my best friend and she has argued with him about these things. She has even tried to stop the fighting between us when I brought up white privilege and it didn’t go over well with one of the heterosexual white males. But it hasn’t stopped me from crying multiple times, the drama from the past/present, and the stress I have with this constant struggle. In the end, I have conceded because “He really didn’t mean it like that.” This is all just from this four person group and I have so many other things in my life.
So today, after a month or two of trying to “concede,” I still don’t like being around them. I am still being jabbed by them every time they speak to me. Today I told my best friend that I gave her boyfriend and his friend a chance and I don’t like them. Today she said I ruined everything. But today I realized that I was honest with her and my friend still chose him and she still would have chose him. Not only did she choose him, but she threw me under a bus so that she could have everything that she wanted instead of taking my honesty at its value and respecting it. And I let her do it to me, up until today.
I can’t stand being on my phone anymore. All the notifications I get are from people who don’t speak to me. We have common interests and we laugh at the same things. But all I know is mys side of the screen. I know that I am terrified to start a conversation, I’m alone in my bed, and the only real contact I get is that “like” or “share”. I know that this is how the world works now but I never chose this. If I could go outside I would look into your eyes and get to know you and memorize everything you would tell me. Speech is the one thing I miss. I type and type with no end but I have no real connection with anyone around me. Yet, I’ll take it over no contact whatsoever.
If we want to live in a world with technology, then we need to learn how to be personal over the internet. We are all so closed off from one another and we crave human affection. How can my laptop give me any connection other than with the WiFi? I get the whole online dating scene but its used for fake connection and personal pleasure. We have become so selfish; with selfies, perfect profiles, and quiz’s that tell you all about you. I am guilty of all of these things. We do what needs to be done to get as many likes, comments, and shares as possible. If we don’t get as many as we hoped it truly hurts us. So we take the post down and try again.
Everyone knows how unperfect we are. Yet, we have to make it seem like our life is the picture of flawlessness. Why, so the haters don’t have something to hurt your reputation with? There is nothing in this world that someone else hasn’t gone through. So why do we judge others or hide everything when we can help one another? We could change so many peoples lives if we were honest with the people around us instead of posting lies. Of course there are going to be people who are rude and out of line but there are also going to be some great people who would love to be there for us. We could help others come clean about the demons they deal with but there will always be that one ignorant person who thinks its their job to type on their keyboard.
We are so empty. I see it in a few people around me. I try to be different by opening up my private thoughts and feelings. I write them all down here. I come up with a topic and just keep talking about my personal opinion. People are too afraid these days or they get very offended. So they take it to Facebook. People have so much rage when they are personally tied to a topic. Yet they refuse to talk openly about why they truly feel the way they do. They also seem to forget that others have the right to have their own opinions.(As long as those opinions don’t start to take away the rights of others.) We fight about the smallest issues and type people the most horrendous things because of who they are, claim to be, or their beliefs. Behind a screen we have the confidence to say the things we would never say in person. We have to remember, the internet comes with great responsibility and requires kindness.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” This is one of the greatest lies I have ever been told. Words can be one of the most influential pieces in moving peoples hearts and changing peoples minds. How do you think Hitler came to power and was able to murder 6 million people? He was able to pull off a genocide mainly based on his ability to use words. We are so unattached when we are online that when we type out our words, we don’t think about the person/people reading on the other side. We forget about our character because it says our name is anonymous. Some don’t even care if their name is stamped beside their words. They don’t care about the possibilities: Depression, cutting, suicide. The brokenness they cause because of their underestimated influence.
Why are we so afraid? Even the ones who cyber-bully are afraid so they push everyone away in the most cowardly way possible. Is it because now the word have a face? The real world is not that terrifying! So what that guy rejected you, go on to the next guy who is worth your time. She cheated on you? Dump her, eat some ice cream, and grow stronger again. Not grow harder to the world. Not everyone is the same because that would be impossible. Put your phones down and go on a terrible date. You can go meet up with your Besties later and laugh all about it. Experience life with your eyes and hands, not with your phone or camera lens. Even use social media to make friends with the people you are “friends” with on Facebook. I’ll do it if you do, so what do you say?
My chest is aching. My opinion caused a back lash of insults and harsh words which in response I became small. I was back in high school again. I was once again the girl that was talked about and was the subject of rumors. Sexualized, laughed at, and easily beaten. I made matters worse by feeding in to the bullying. Then I remembered that I just had to walk away. To stop my self from taking it all in and accepting it all as truth I had to walk away. Tonight, I became small and I cracked. I don’t want others to think of me in such poor light but I have to accept my fear. I am not okay tonight but tomorrow is going to be brand new. I have a picture of just a glimpse of what was said. I won’t sensor it or hide their names because they aren’t ashamed to put this out there. All I said was that I didn’t think it was gay for a man to wear a choker. I do admit that I did feed into it and tried to defend myself. I could do nothing to help my self. And I had no one helping me. This was high school. I refuse to go back to that place. I have apologized on that post for my part and for any rudeness I had towards them. It’s the new year, we have to become better then who we were and we have to start somewhere.