I am so good at hiding myself. I have been severely depressed for a week now, and no one has noticed. I finally today told my roommate that I was depressed and that it’s going to be a tough week. I don’t know why I am so depressed. It might be the little things that do it. Like not being talented enough to create art that I really want to make. Or maybe because I have a lack of originality. Maybe its because none of my friends talk to me anymore. They invite each other to things that I am left out of. Maybe its because I am socially stunted. Maybe it’s just everything at once.
I want to be loveable. Someone that people want to be around. A person that can have an intelligent conversation with peers. I feel that due to me being disabled that I am being left behind. No one checks in on me anymore. No one cares to know how my day went. Probably because they are out in the world where something different happens every day. For me, I fill my time the best I can and maybe no one wants to hear about the same thing. Or they just find me boring or repetitive. I feel like I am disappearing into nothing and I can’t stop it. I ask myself every day if continuing on living is worth it.
I am constantly in pain and I want someone to care. I want someone to see the pain and love me despite. I want to be more than a waste of space to people around me. I know no one actually thinks that but how else should I feel when no one bothers to know what’s going on anymore. When the questions normally asked are passed over me because others already know the answer. Since it usually is the same answer. No one bothers to invite me to things anymore because they know that I will probably cancel last minute due to my health. I feel isolated in a world full of people. People I call my friends.
I don’t think people do these things to be hurtful. I don’t think people have it out for me or anything. It would just be nice to be invited to things even if people think I won’t be able to come. Just the act of asking me makes me feel like my presence is wanted. Isn’t it normal to feel wanted? I know it’s not logical to ask someone who will 9/10 say no or they can’t but isn’t love more important than logic? I know I am guilty of not loving people to the best of my ability. I just, like everyone else, don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to be forgotten. I also just want someone to care or even want to talk to me. I want people to see that I have so much to offer to the world. And I think that is just way too much to ask for.