Part of me wishes that all of this never happened to me. At the same time, I know for a fact that I would not be where I am with God with out the bad things I have endured and am still enduring. I have seen myself without God and I was absolutely disgusting. He knew that the only way that I would come to him was allowing chronic illness and pain to be a constant thorn in my side. I am so happy that he did it so early in my lifetime so that I would know him earlier and have the possibility of getting to know him and grow through out a whole lifetime. Yes there are parts of me that are gone that I wish I could have back, like my active side and the part of me that could be outside for hours. The part of me that could stay up all night and all day to get things done, and the part of me that could make 3 different plans with 3 different people in one day. But I have to sacrifice those and the evil, sinful parts that thought it was okay to be sexually explicit, that it was okay to lie to and hit my mom just because I could, and the parts that thought it was okay to lie to and hurt people just because I could or because I didn’t like them. I have to sacrifice both because they go hand in hand. Once I did, God made a way for me to not go backwards. I’m chronically ill and I believe and fear the Lord. They go hand in hand. He’s not punishing me for my sin, that’s not what I’m saying. He’s allowed my situation to become a way of honoring him. And God has made it so that there is no way I could choose to go backwards. My life now is a million times better then it was. How could I go back?