I don’t feel joy when my fear controls me. I also am conscience and aware when I am afraid and of what I am afraid of. I am also aware that there is a difference between fear and anxiety. Right now I am anxious. So much so that I’m shivering and my stomach is clenching. It’s because I finally told the truth to my best friend about how I truly feel about her boyfriend (lets call him B). See I have known her and B since high school. Which means we have history. Their story mostly consists of falling in love, being insecure, and the drama that separates them. With B and I, well, that’s much more complex. I was the subject that separated them. I was the drama, according to him. Of course I’m not perfect, I probably was acting like a typical teen. But what my family and I remember, was beyond teenage naivety.
It was Junior year and it’s lunch time. We are all crowded around this little corner of a table talking and eating. Then the jokes start, “What’s the difference between a pizza and a Jew? Pizzas don’t scream in the oven.” The jokes ranged from racist to murderous. I couldn’t hear anymore so I asked B and his friend to stop. Why? I am Jewish by blood and was raised in my roots. History is a huge part of why we take pride in our bloodlines. That and it’s just wrong. So after asking them to stop, they were so confused on why it was such a big deal. Yet, we still moved on but grudges were held.
One day in physics, B and I are messaging on our school IPads like amazing students. I know that my Bestie is feeling insecure in her relationship with him and is scared he is going to dump her. So I, stupidly, ask him if something was going on. He tells me all these important things and then tells me that he’s not going to tell my best friend. Then swears me to secrecy. I think about it for the rest of my day and decided to show her our messages anyway. She reads them and went straight to him to talk about it. Cats out of the bag! So after that B was livid with me. That’s where things got bad.
B was a very vengeful person. If you hurt him, he would get at you 10x harder. So he used his German heritage to bully me into being afraid of him. The jokes continued and got much ruder. Then he threatened me over the phone, which ended with his parents telling my mom that I was being over dramatic and they were sick of me. He would do the hail Hilter salute and march around when he would see me and one day he wore a Nazi uniform and did it. I don’t remember how I reacted to these things, but I do remember how it ended. B made my friend choose, be a girlfriend to him or be a friend to me. She refused to give him an answer so he made it for her. That’s how me and her are still friends today.
Speaking of today, she started dating him again and it has been a month or two. Why is she back with the guy that bullied her best friend you ask? Because she wants to be is the truthful answer. After he kissed her she came to me and asked me if I was okay with them dating. I didn’t think that I really had a say in who she wanted to date. But, I told her my opinion of him and she didn’t take it well. With anger in her voice she says that he was different and that I should give him a second chance. I realize that she didn’t just want my approval she wanted me to be friends with him again. So I gave the second chance for my best friend, as long as he apologizes. I see him for the first time since graduating and I turn back into that terrified 17 year old girl. Not only that, I also take “We both did things in high school. It’s over now and in the past.” as an apology and let my best friend leave me alone with him and his friend during the whole time.
So time goes on and I start spending time with her and the boys. Which proves to be a mistake. I try to explain to them that I am disabled and in response was told that I am not disabled I am just a hypochondriac. Which brought up old wounds for me and even after trying to explain, I still ended up in my bed balling my eyes out. I was back in high school where the two boys said what they wanted, how they wanted and they were the ones that were in the right. They aren’t open to other ideals or beliefs. And now her boyfriend and his friend believe that if Hitler wasn’t stopped, it would have been great for technology. He believes that if he died and someone took his place, it would have been better. The dying would have stopped and technology would be great. He would have been okay waiting 20 more years for that to happen. 20 years of Hitler. and it’s a big If on the probability of that actually happening. People who condone genocide terrify me.
None of these things are hidden from my best friend and she has argued with him about these things. She has even tried to stop the fighting between us when I brought up white privilege and it didn’t go over well with one of the heterosexual white males. But it hasn’t stopped me from crying multiple times, the drama from the past/present, and the stress I have with this constant struggle. In the end, I have conceded because “He really didn’t mean it like that.” This is all just from this four person group and I have so many other things in my life.
So today, after a month or two of trying to “concede,” I still don’t like being around them. I am still being jabbed by them every time they speak to me. Today I told my best friend that I gave her boyfriend and his friend a chance and I don’t like them. Today she said I ruined everything. But today I realized that I was honest with her and my friend still chose him and she still would have chose him. Not only did she choose him, but she threw me under a bus so that she could have everything that she wanted instead of taking my honesty at its value and respecting it. And I let her do it to me, up until today.