I feel like I’m constantly trying to keep myself from drowning. Failing at keeping my head above the waterline. I’m unable to find the right combination of muscles to keep me swimming. I can’t even float on my back without sinking. The miracle is that even though I know I’m drowning, I remain calm and convinced that I’m not going to die. Even with the unknown miles below and beside me, my body recognizes it all. It’s even in my home. Home is where the hurt is, home is where I’m allowed to feel it. It doesn’t matter how dark the water turns or how thick the air gets. I keep fighting, sinking. Many times I have tried to just sink to the bottom. To fill up my lungs with water and have that be the end but I can’t drown until it’s time. I can’t miss the sunsets and star light. I can’t give up hope that one day I’ll be okay.