Fear & Control

Sometimes I forget that I cannot control every outcome. Even if I have the best intentions, I have to let my loved ones choose the path that they need to go on. I think that it’s my fear of being alone that makes me likes this. If you go down the path that I think is best then there is no chance of us growing apart. Is that the fear of being alone or the fear of losing someone? I can’t ever tell. But I know it’s selfish. Is wanting your family to know God selfish or selfless? I guess it depends on my reasoning. How could it be selfless if every time I talk about God with them I lash out because of the despair and loss of hope I see in them? It just keeps driving them away. Why am I incapable of being genuine when speaking of the love I have for them? Is it because I have had no one to talk to about God? Am I trying to mold them into something that’s personally for my own benefit? I’m angry that for 13 years I have found no one to have fellowship with. I keep the anger inside until I have someone to use it on. Someone to push it on to. It gives me control. I take that control from God and I use it to drive a wedge between him and his creation. Control is addictive especially when you have less then the average person. They keep telling me I just need to let it all go. Give it all away to him. Every time I try it’s like I always have something in my grasp. I always take one or two things back. Then I end up in chaotic control again. It’s never enough either. If it’s not my life, it’s my moms, then yours. I have to choose a different path to take, even if I’m afraid  that I’m the only one on it. I can’t keep being afraid of what’s at the end.

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