Sometimes I can’t find the right words to say. I find myself trying to hold on to my attention. It keeps trying to wander. But then I think, where am I trying to go? Am I trying to escape somehow, or am I trying to find something. I’m always trying to find something that will change the way I look at the world. Something that will change me, straight down to my core.
I can see myself as how others describe me. Blunt, uncalled for, and abusive. I see myself in the ways people have treated me. Bitch, invisible, and something to be used. I look in the mirror and I see what I feel. Dirty, ugly, and disfigured, a burden. I’m an everlasting grenade, constantly on the verge of blowing up. Spewing everything I see myself as onto anyone in my space, my grasp. That’s why I don’t text back. I will disappoint you, I will hurt you, and I will break you.
I can dream of a day where I am completely changed. Where I become dormant. Where I can love others normally and even myself. But right now I’m a grenade with a conscience and I can’t hurt anymore people. I don’t know how to love. I don’t know how to be gentle. I want to be loved but I can’t give it back the way it should be given. They deserve more then that. One day Ill find the words to say and Ill find myself.