Journals

#1

I am so good at hiding myself. I have been severely depressed for a week now, and no one has noticed. I finally today told my roommate that I was depressed and that it’s going to be a tough week. I don’t know why I am so depressed. It might be the little things that do it. Like not being talented enough to create art that I really want to make. Or maybe because I have a lack of originality. Maybe its because none of my friends talk to me anymore. They invite each other to things that I am left out of. Maybe its because I am socially stunted. Maybe it’s just everything at once.

I want to be loveable. Someone that people want to be around. A person that can have an intelligent conversation with peers. I feel that due to me being disabled that I am being left behind. No one checks in on me anymore. No one cares to know how my day went. Probably because they are out in the world where something different happens every day. For me, I fill my time the best I can and maybe no one wants to hear about the same thing. Or they just find me boring or repetitive. I feel like I am disappearing into nothing and I can’t stop it. I ask myself every day if continuing on living is worth it.

I am constantly in pain and I want someone to care. I want someone to see the pain and love me despite. I want to be more than a waste of space to people around me. I know no one actually thinks that but how else should I feel when no one bothers to know what’s going on anymore. When the questions normally asked are passed over me because others already know the answer. Since it usually is the same answer. No one bothers to invite me to things anymore because they know that I will probably cancel last minute due to my health. I feel isolated in a world full of people. People I call my friends.

I don’t think people do these things to be hurtful. I don’t think people have it out for me or anything. It would just be nice to be invited to things even if people think I won’t be able to come. Just the act of asking me makes me feel like my presence is wanted. Isn’t it normal to feel wanted? I know it’s not logical to ask someone who will 9/10 say no or they can’t but isn’t love more important than logic? I know I am guilty of not loving people to the best of my ability. I just, like everyone else, don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to be forgotten. I also just want someone to care or even want to talk to me. I want people to see that I have so much to offer to the world. And I think that is just way too much to ask for.

Beauty · New Tries

Acne & Scar Care [UPDATE 1]

I wrote about my acne and acne scars a couple days ago. I was trying to find ways to treat them so that I could have a clearer face and better skin. So I started the Korean skincare and started two home remedies. The first is lemon, where you squeeze lemon juice into a container, then use your fingers or a cotton swab to rub the juice directly onto your blemishes. I prefer using a cotton swab and putting it all over my face. I find that by putting the lemon juice all over my face instead of just the blemishes, it tightens my pores and prevents any more acne flare-ups. I also put the juice in other places where my acne comes from, like my back and chest areas.

These pictures are after one treatment and skipping a day.

These are pictures from right after I applied the lemon treatment.

I sat and did other things while I waited for my time to be up. The article said to leave it on for 10 min but I left it on for 30. If you have more sensitive skin that doesn’t really take acids well, I suggest sticking to 10 minutes or less. If you can’t tolerate acids at all without getting irritation or even a rash, I suggest going for another treatment that involves coconut oil. I am also doing the coconut treatment because I tend to have drier skin and the oil treatment softens my skin. I also got my roommate to try the coconut oil treatment because she also struggles with acne and scaring but she is sensitive to acids.

After my 30 minutes where up, I took a washcloth, wet it down with warm water, and wiped off the lemon juice. Then I started on the coconut treatment. I put a scoop of coconut oil in a glass cup and microwaved it for 30 seconds. I applied the oil all over my face, chest, and back. I continuously rubbed it in for 10 minutes straight. After the 10 minutes, I decided to put some in my hair as well. I waited an hour after applying to take a shower. Once I was done, I put on a peel-off facemask, then toned my skin, put on snail essence, and face lotion.

This is how my face looked after that.

Ill put before and after pictures side by side.

I think my face has improved. If you try this out, let me know how it works for you in the comments!

New Tries

Acne & Scar Care

I have always struggled on and off with acne and acne scarring. I also have the horrible habit of picking at my face. So to help my acne, I started a Korean beauty program. It’s a ten step program that has helped me clear up my acne. The routine is below.74e5a0acd4fcd5536b8603dcf43e5036

You don’t have to do all 10 steps every time, only do the steps that your skin needs. For example, if you have oily skin, only do the sleeping pack or the cream. Also don’t exfoliate if there is nothing really to exfoliate.

So if you look at the photo below, you can see my acne. Granted, I have make up on but they are still clear to see.

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But at the same time, I would have pretty clear skin. This photo was taken around a year ago.

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After my birth control rod started running out, I started to get acne everywhere. Once I started the Korean skincare program, my face cleared up! Downside is I have an ungodly amount of acne scars. I wanted to try to treat them naturally so I went straight to the internet. I found this website that has many ways to help scarring with things you might already have around the house. I’ll leave the link HERE.

So on February 20th, 2018, I chose to do the lemon where you just put some juice on the scars and wait a couple minutes and the coconut oil where you massage lukewarm oil into your skin for 10 minutes and leave it there for an hour. Here is what I looked like right after I put it on.

Then after a little over an hour later, this is is how my face looked.

I can see that my face is not as red. It’s not a big change but I think if I continue doing this every day my redness will clear up. I’ll continue to show my progress as it happens, so stay tuned!

Uncategorized

The Truth about Hate Groups

Since the terrible events in Charlottesville, hate groups have been the talk of the news. They give statistics on hate groups growth in the states and report numbers of groups in total. What they do is take the stats as a whole and zoom into the parts that make their story. What I want to do is share the entire facts.

Let’s start with listing the hate groups that are active today:

  • Ku Klux Klan– black Americans are usually primarily their target, they also attacked Jews, immigrants, homosexuals, and Catholics
  • Neo-Nazi– the Jews are their cardinal enemy but they also hate other minorities, homosexuals, and even Christians.
  • White nationalists– believe that all other races are inferior to the white race. Ku Klux Klan, neo-Confederate, neo-Nazi, racist Skinhead, and Christian Identity can also be described as white nationalists.
  • Racist skinhead– Skinheads are migratory and often not affiliated with groups. They are the violent element of the white supremacist movement.
  • Christian Identity– they are fundamentally racist and anti-Semitic. They believe Jews descended from Satan and non- whites are seen as soulless “mud-people.” Neo-Nazi Aryan Nations and several Klan groups share the same beliefs.
  • Neo-confederate– they want to revive many of the racist principles of the antebellum south.
  • Black separatist– strongly anti-white and anti-Semitic. Oppose integration and interracial marriage, and want separate institutions or a separate nation for blacks.
  • Anti-LGBT– “Anti-LGBT groups engage in crude name-calling and disseminate disparaging propaganda and falsehoods about this population, such as the claim that gay men molest children at vastly higher rates than straight men.”
  • Anti-Muslim– Anti-Muslim groups exhibit extreme hostility towards Muslims and believe Islam’s followers have an inherent set of negative traits.
  • General hate– “These organizations are subdivided into anti-immigrant, hate music, Holocaust denial, and radical traditional Catholic groups”

Now that they have been listed and given a short description, I’ll give you facts provided by Southern Poverty Law Center. All facts are from 2016.

There were 130 ku klux klan groups nationwide in 2016. This number of groups have actually decreased since 2015 from 190. They estimate 5,000 and 8,000 Klan members are spread out nationwide.

There were 99 neo-nazi groups nationwide in 2016. The most visible neo-nazi group is the national alliance and was lead by William Pierce until he passed away.

There was 100 white nationalist groups nationwide in 2016. The groups can range from ones who use racial slurs and calls for violence to ones that present themselves as serious, non-violent, and academically sound. “the largest white nationalist group in America has been the Council of Conservative Citizens”

There were 78 racist skinhead groups nationwide in 2016. This number has decreased since 2012 from 138 groups. Here are someone the things skin heads have done: “In November 1988, three skinheads in Portland, Ore., beat an Ethiopian student named Mulugeta Seraw to death with baseball bats. In April 1999, a Mexican immigrant named Irineo Soto Aguilar was murdered in Lakeside, Calif., by three skinheads who crushed his skull with chunks of concrete. In October 2007, a skinhead strangled a 62-year-old gay man in Oklahoma City as a rite of passage in his gang.”

There were 21 Christian identity groups nationwide in 2016. This number has slightly increased from 19 groups from 2015 but has decreased from 55 groups from 2011. Even though it’s nominally Christian, it owes little to even the most conservative Protestants. Their interaction with Christians is hostile.

43 neo-confederate groups were documented nationwide in 2016. This number has increased slowly from 30 groups in 2012. They incorporate traditional gender roles, are hostile towards democracy, strongly against homosexuality, favors segregation and suggests white supremacy.

In 2016, 193 black separatist groups were documented nationwide. This number has risen considerably from 113 in 2014. “a number of religious versions assert that blacks — not Jews — are the Biblical “chosen people” of God.””Although the Southern Poverty Law Center recognizes that much black racism in America is, at least in part, a response to centuries of white racism, it believes racism must be exposed in all its forms.””if we seek to expose white hate groups, we cannot be in the business of explaining away the black ones.” It applies to all groups regardless of color. The biggest example is the group Nation of Islam led by Louis Farrakhan.

There have been 101 anti-LGBT groups documented nationwide in 2016. They believed that “the LGBT rights movement and its so-called “homosexual agenda” are the prime culprits in the destruction of American society and culture.” “Many of its leaders have engaged in the crudest type of name-calling, describing LGBT people as “perverts” with “filthy habits” who seek to snatch the children of straight parents and “convert” them to gay sex.”

In 2016, 101 anti-Muslim groups were documented nationwide. This number has risen dramatically from 34 known groups in 2015. “Muslims are depicted as irrational, intolerant and violent, and their faith is frequently depicted as sanctioning pedophilia, coupled with intolerance for homosexuals and women.”

There were 100 documented general hate groups nationwide in 2016. “This list includes a “Jewish” group that is rabidly anti-Arab, a “Christian” group that is anti-Catholic and a polygamous “Mormon” breakaway sect that is racist.”

Looking at facts, their are more black separatist groups then any other group, but when combined, there are 471 groups nationwide that are against very race besides whites. There are 664 groups whom are anti-Semitic (against Jews). There are 551 groups against homosexuals. There are 917 groups in total.

I can’t tell you what to take from this information but I do encourage that you reflect of it. I will say that violence of any kind is not okay. Combating hate and racism is through education and being everything these groups say we are not. We change the lack of equality buy treating everyone around you as equal. No matter what they look like, the color of their skin, and the religion they have.

KPOP

10 Reasons to Stan A.C.E.

A.C.E is a rookie group that debuted on May 22, 2017. With five members: Jun, Wow, Jason, Donghun, and Chan, they dominated the comeback stages with their single Cactus. They have just announced their comeback and fans could not be more hyped! Here are 10 reasons to stan A.C.E.!

1. The short shorts!

For their performance outfits, they wore a variety of different short shorts!

2. They did dance covers to big Kpop names.

Before debut the filmed different dance covers to Kpop groups like BTS:

EXO:

And Seventeen:

3. They have amazing singing and rapping abilities.

Here’s one of their vocal covers of Blackpink’s Stay and John Legend’s All Of Me.

4. They are all about busking.

Before and after debut, busking has been something these boys do well. Check out their zombie project that they choreographed themselves:

And look at them busking with their song Cactus:

5. They broke a record before debut

They broke the record of having the most YouTube subscribers to a trainee group.

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6. They take so many pictures together

They are truly a group that enjoys spending time together.

7. They recreated their song Cactus in English

Because so many of their fans speak English, they decided to sing Cactus in English!

8. They have pet cacti

Now how can anyone not find this adorable?

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9. They look amazing in photo shoots

There are no words. Just check out these amazing photos.

10. They just announced their comeback!

Follow them on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook for more updates and cute pictures of them.

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Soures: (1) (2)

Chronic illness

Getting A Port: What I didn’t know

So I got the port and let it heal. I have just started IV treatments at home. And through out this whole process I have learned things that I didn’t know before. Things that I couldn’t easily find on the internet.

Like the fact that a doctor has to refer you to a surgeon before you do anything. I know that may sound obvious but the process of getting the referral was not so easy for me. I started by asking my neurologist what she thought of me getting IV treatment. She continued to tell me that I should be drinking the 2 liters of water everyday on my own. At the time, I was struggling with eating one meal a day. I was so nauseous and fatigued all the time that I couldn’t keep myself awake for more then 5 hours a day.

I was hoping that this last solution would actually help me, even in the slightest. My neurologist didn’t believe in IV treatment. She wanted me to do everything necessary for getting better on my own. But she was only looking at the POTS. She didn’t understand that I have 9 other things effecting my health as well. She agreed to let me try it. Then she saw it was helping so she agreed to me getting the port.

(I’ve had many problems with my neurologist. Not thinking it was important if I was tested for EDS because “you can’t do anything about it anyway.” Her thinking that my treatment I receive from her is making me better and healing me. Even though she’s only treating me for POTS and migraines. Also thinking I shouldn’t be put on disability because I’m too young and I’m “getting better.” She doesn’t want me to be on it forever and I don’t want to either. But I’m 20 not able to go to school or get any job. I need assistance and if I do get it, I hope that I can get to the point where disability is no longer needed. Right now it is very needed. I didn’t know that dealing with doctors would be so difficult.)

I also didn’t know that, once approved, the surgery would be scheduled so fast. I went from getting approval to going to surgery in the matter of a week or so.

I also didn’t know that I would be awake during the surgery.

After prepping the day before by not eating or taking my medication the day of, I got to the hospital. The nurse went over everything I needed to know or let him know. He told me how to take care of it and let me feel a tester so I would know how it would feel under my skin. He made everything very easy. Once the doctor came in to introduce himself, he let me know that they would be giving me something to make me a little loopy and that the site would be numbed. I went in with oxygen and a hair net. The exposed my top half, just until right under my breasts. So yes I was exposed for a short time. But they put blue sheets over me making a square around the place where the port was to be placed and the bottom of my neck. They covered me in blue disinfectant that took days to come off. The doctor gave me the shots to make it numb and told me to look in the opposite direction. I only felt the pressure from him pushing the port in and the pressure of him pushing the catheter into my artery. In less then an hour it was over and I was at home icing and popping Tylenol.

The healing process took longer due to my EDS but once it was over we had a nurse come. I didn’t know that when getting fluids through a port, I would have a needle in the port for the whole time. They put the needle in and it stays there for a week. They come back after a week and take out the needle and then replace it with another one.

So I will have a needle in me until I decide to stop getting fluids. I will also have the patch over it with the tube.

I also didn’t know that I would be setting up the equipment and giving myself fluids.

Yes this is me in my home getting fluids. I hooked myself up and everything. There is a service that gives you everything you need each week. A nurse comes in, inserts the needle and teaches you and who ever would be setting it up how to do everything. The nurse taught me, my mom and my caregiver. The nurse then comes back in a week to change out my needle.

If you have any questions feel free to comment or ask me through social media!

Uncategorized

HEALTH UPDATE

So this past Friday I went through surgery to implant a port. It will help me get fluids that I need to have to feel better.

It’s a catheter that goes under my skin and it goes into my vein near my heart.

They can use it to draw blood, give medicine, and IV fluids. Hopefully I’ll be feeling a bit better once treatment starts!

poetry

Tuesdays

I’d always drive over on a Tuesday.

Volume dialed to 26,

humming foreign languages.

Breathlessly making my way up

those stairs.

Taking my place on your

velvet orange retro couch.

The couch sagged on the left

from the sleepover nights.

The wear of laughing fits

and group cuddles.

The sagging fabric on the left

is our proof of life.

My proof of life.

One that took 20 years

for me to find,

because a pulse just wasn’t enough.

Uncategorized

Questions for the Healthy

I have so many questions for healthy people. I want to ask them and see what’s normal and what’s not.

  1. What does it feel like to not feel tired?
  2. What is it like to eat without nauseousness?
  3. When you wake up, how long does it take before you can sit up?
  4. How long can you stand before you need to sit down?
  5. What is it like not having to take medication all the time?
  6. Do you like the cold or the heat more?
  7. What are some things you like to do that don’t involve watching tv or being on the phone?
  8. What is it like to be independent?
  9. What is it like to have a job?
  10. Is walking easy for you?
  11. What position do you sleep in?
  12. How many times a year do you go to the doctor or hospital?
  13. What is it like to sit up quickly and not get dizzy or faint?
  14. What do you think of people like me?
  15. Would you date someone like me?
  16. How many surgeries have you had?
  17. Does Aleve really work?
  18. How often do you throw up?
  19. What is your pain level at normally? 1-10?
  20. Do your doctors know you personally?
  21. How are your periods like?

What does it feel like when people touch you?

I may have more but I can’t think of them. But I would love to know the answers!